Inevitably there will be times when you have setbacks or things don t go your way. Maybe you didn't get a job you thought you were sure to get. Maybe you lost a job unexpectedly, didn't win a contract, or lost a major client. Your car always seems to break down right after you've had some other unexpected expense. These kinds of situations immediately place us in crisis. They don t feel good, but sometimes they re what we need in order to grow. The beautiful thing about crises is that they force us to take a step back and reevaluate what s going on in our lives and rediscover what we truly want and need. When we get over that initial shock and feeling of disappointment, we might realize that maybe that job wasn't really the best for us anyway. Maybe, just maybe, that wasn't what you really wanted to spend your life doing. Maybe that friend was holding you back instead of pushing you forward. The way I deal with crises of these sorts is simple: If something doesn't go my way professionally, I try to create a situation that would be more rewarding than the situation originally planned. A while ago, I was offered a job that looked very promising. After I accepted the offer, they pushed the start date back three times, later informing me (via e-mail) that they wanted to bring me on in the near future but I should feel free to explore other options. I was extremely disappointed. I felt disrespected and angry, but decided to make the best of the situation and follow my dream of working internationally. I then flew to Santiago, Chile and had great professional and personal experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. Later, reflecting back on the original opportunity, I realized that working for a company that avoids a start date three times and then can t pick up the phone to explain the situation is probably not where I need to spend my time. Use setbacks as an opportunity to put your goals in order and act on them. In the moment, it s difficult to look at a setback as temporary, but they are. They happen to everybody. It s how you respond to them that will determine how they affect you.
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I have absolutely no idea what my I.Q. score is. I’ve never known, and I’ve never really had a strong desire to know. Personally, I don’t find very much value in concerning myself with such seemingly trivial pieces of information. The problem with the I.Q. score is that it is not a valid indicator of the level of success a person will obtain in their lifetime.
This past weekend I went to a bar to watch a college football game (Texas vs. Tech) where we celebrated a friend’s birthday. As the birthday girl was introducing me to her other friends, one of them introduced herself to me by saying, “Hi, my name is (we’ll call her Ashley). My I.Q. is 138. What’s your I.Q.?”
I was so taken aback by her introduction, I didn’t know how to immediately respond without being rude. (Please leave your comment below. I would love to see how you think I should have responded). I wanted to say something along the lines of, “wow, that’s a great line,” but I deferred to, “I don’t know. I’ve never tested my I.Q., but I think what really matters is not the amount of intelligence one has but what one does with the intelligence they have.” Yeah…that conversation didn’t last very long. I’m okay that it didn’t.
Maybe if I.Q. scores really were an indicator of the level of success I could expect to obtain, I’d find it more important to know. But then again, maybe I wouldn’t. After all, success is subjective. What means success to me might not matter to you at all. Some organizations base success on return on investment (ROI). Others base success off of the number of people served. Some people base success on social status. Others focus more on the impacts they make in their communities.
Maybe the real reason I don’t want to know that all-so-important number is that I’m afraid to find out I’m not smart. Maybe I’ve lived my life following dreams that were never supposed to come true for me. What if I find my entire set of goals is a mirage in the desert of life that I’ll never have the ability to reach? Will my performance suddenly drop with this newfound information? Will a lower number anticipated force me to succumb a self-degrading, self-fulfilling prophecy?
On the other hand, what if I find out my number is actually higher than I expected. Will I suddenly realize that I should have done more with my life? Maybe I would become increasingly unsatisfied with my accomplishments. I mean, maybe I would become more motivated. But I could just as likely become so frustrated, that I lose productivity. Would my personality suddenly change with all this new confidence I’d gain from realizing I’m smarter? I don’t think so, but hey, it could happen.
Those questions are hard for me to think about, with answers I don’t want to consider. At this point in my life, I’ve had time to discover my many of my strengths and weaknesses. I know what I’m capable of doing and the areas where I struggle. But what bothers me more is when I think about children, and how placing too much stock in this number effects them. I feel that placing too much emphasis on this I.Q. score is especially damaging to a developing mind, either providing them with an undue sense of pride or equally invalid sense of feebleness. Children respond more positively to praise for effort than praise for innate intellectual capacity. When we give a child a test and propose that their score measures their effort, they score higher than they do when we say the test will measure their intelligence. Do we really want to want to tell our children how successful they will or will not be before they’ve even had the chance to try?
I’m of the camp that believes that we are in control of our destinies, and feel that goal-setting, determination, intuition, drive, awareness, networking, and experiences are better precipitators for success, whatever success might mean to that individual. I like not knowing my I.Q. score. I like learning from the people around me. I enjoy sharing stories and growing from those with different sets of experiences and cultures than my own. On track, in the classroom, and in the workplace, I’ve excelled because I’ve never become complacent. In an era with so much information, sometimes not knowing is the best way to keep striving to do better.
Feedback, Feedback, Feedback. Feedback is likely the most important component in the communications loop. It’s the thing that’s necessary to gauge the impact we are making in each individual as well as the community at large. It lets us know exactly what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong. Negative feedback, when constructive, is probably the most valuable of all feedback because it gives us a chance to improve, exceed expectations, and show who how well we respond to concerns. Most people just want to know they are being listened to. Are we listening?
We need to make sure we have a system that allows and encourages easy internal and external feedback in both our work and personal lives. For some reason, the standard communication model almost completely ignores the recipient of the message. Real communication never ends when the receipient receives the message. We don’t communicate at people. We communicate with people. In business, it’s especially important to implement feedback into the research and development of services and products. With social media and new forms of communication, your customers can and will tell you exactly what they want, and quickly. This allows us to significantly streamline the development process and introduce quality products and services to market faster than ever.
We always want people to listen to us. It’s equally if not more important for us to listen to them.
Sometimes we get so caught up in looking to experts, industry leaders, and heroes for inspiration and lessons we often forget to look around us. We love the drama of tremendous struggle and triumphant success. There’s something about the “defying all odds” story that keeps us intrigued. While there’s nothing wrong with looking up to aspirational characters, focusing entirely on these figures causes us to forget that we can learn from those around us.
Everyday the people in our own circles are going through adversity or reaching accomplishments. Each of of these people has a story to tell—a story from which we can grow and learn. Are you listening?
Last week, I had a conversation with a few friends I haven’t seen in a while. We talked about what we’ve been up to and the goals we had in the near term. One explained that she had a well-paying job, but decided to leave it because she wasn’t feeling fulfilled, instead opting for something where she could positively impact others. That’s the kind of story that keeps me motivated to do what I do. There are several leaders I look up to, but more and more are emerging from the circle with which I’m already familiar.
I have friends, teachers, professors, coworkers, strangers, clients, and associates that continue to challenge me and force me to think of things from various perspectives. These are the people that make me want to be better. Trying to keep my ears open to all of it is the challenge. Growing from it is the reward.